Don't Kinda Know
by klcm
Summary: After the worse case of her life, Garcia finds her life put into perspective and really she doesn't 'kinda' know, she just knows Spoilers for Exit Wounds


Disclaimer: This poor little English being had to wait before having the opportunity to write this and I still have to declare it's not mine. *pouts* It's not mine okay!

**SPOILERS FOR 5X21 EXIT WOUNDS!**

Penelope hadn't breathed out a larger sigh than she had as Kevin fled her apartment with all his knick knacks in tow. The worse case of her life was over but yet she knew she'd keep it alive in her heart for life. Not willingly but it would haunt her soul until the day she died and she supposed that wasn't an entirely bad thing; it was just a painful thing at times.

She'd gained more perspective of her life from watching another die, after feeling a complete stranger's life leave their body than she had after it'd been her soul escaping in each strangled breath she'd taken in the moments after Battle had shot her. That plagued her more. That was the boogie man in her nightmares.

It might have been 5 days since that fateful night but she didn't care, her life had been altered and she knew now more than ever the feelings she tried to leave dead and buried and pretend with just playful flirting were the feelings that were laying in wait to cripple her when she least expected it.

It was minutes after Kevin had left that she lay down on the couch. Her glasses on the coffee table, her work clothes still on, her hair still in its curls with the big flower that she had a taken a love to wearing lately still it's in place. She just listened to the near perfect silence, the only noises to penetrate the air being the gentle tick of the clock, the thrum of the fridge and freezer and she knew life went on. It didn't just stop.

The moments of the case played over, this time it wasn't the death she saw or the killings that went on in a remote Alaskan town, it was more down to her best friend. The one man that always seemed to sit on the sidelines of her life and when she needed him he was there fighting for her, keeping her spirit high, never letting her morale drop for anything.

She could feel the words she'd spoken to him bubble in her front. "What's the difference between being strong and being jaded? I'm scared, Derek. I don't wanna lose who I am just so I can do this job." She could feel herself get just a bit emotional over it again, it still struck her heart each time, she was scared, worried that she'd lose herself within the job, lose herself to a job she loved doing, lose herself helping her little gang of superheroes.

As the seed of doubt built up she had to sit up, rubbing her temples Derek came into her head, the view that they'd looked at over the river came into her head and she felt the entire wholeness of awe as she looked at something so perfect. "We are in one of the most beautiful places on Earth. I know you see that, don't you?' He asked in his husky tone, concern clearing driving it, love evidently supporting it.

She remembered how she had to take a few seconds, keep her breathing regulated through her parted lips and she remembered clearly as she answered with the affirmative and he responded to her. 'Then we have nothing to worry about.' That still caught her attention, his tone now self assured, his gaze entirely on her, the beauty around them forgotten. 'It's who you are baby girl. You see the beauty in everything and everyone no matter where you go. That part of you is never gonna change and I won't let it.'

Penelope knew that moment of her life, like many from before, were driven into her memory, scolded for her remembrance. As she remembered when, in that moment, her feelings flipped and revolted, she felt a familiar feeling build and explode in her, yet being her normal self she didn't want to acknowledge it.

"Pfft. I don't need you to protect me." And she knew she meant it, she had a boyfriend in sunny ole Quantico that should do that.

"Tough. I think I'm gonna stay on the job a little while longer." He knew he'd caught her bluff because she had just stared at him until her mind functioned and she had to praise her wit, at her weakest it still reacted fast.

" Yeah. For how much longer?" She remembered being doubtful, no one would stick around long for anyone but themselves, she knew that was how it went, how life rolled. Derek, on the other hand, surprised her.

"Every day of my life." He told her and leaned in, his lips holding his barely there grin that made her melt and she felt herself fall for him all over again.

She could feel the tears burning in her eyes again, the playfulness she felt, the love that warmed her. She remembered how she gently put her clenched fist to his stomach and said the next words as if they were the easiest thing she could ever say. "I kinda love you, Derek Morgan." He tone had held the tears with it.

She could, if she imagined deep enough, feel his strong bold arms around her, making the comparison between him and Kevin more and more evidently and she remembered how easy it sounded for him to go: "I kinda love you, Penelope Garcia." She fell back into the sofa and just stared, that moment in time, after everything, just like after Battle, Penelope Garcia had felt completely and utterly safe from anything.

She wanted that feeling again, she wanted to thrive off the feelings that Derek gave her, feelings she knew she wouldn't get elsewhere. She grabbed her glasses and looked around her apartment, emptiness and loneliness screamed from every nook and cranny there was.

Without a second thought and without another doubt she grabbed her blackberry from the side and she pushed speed dial. She listened to the tone ring and the flip into voicemail and she set the phone down, she just stared at the floor. She wanted to do one thing, get out, get someone round, tell the truth but the one person she wanted more than anything wasn't available and she was not prepared to leave a voicemail wallowing.

Then like her saving grace her phone began to sound out and she looked down to see Derek calling her. She picked the phone up and answered it. "Beginning to think you were ignoring me there for a bit handsome."

"Never would I ignore my baby girl." She felt herself swoon at that. "What did you need me for then red delicious? Need me to tell you that you're still Penelope Garcia? Or to take you out and show you more beauty? Or prove how proud I am of you?"

"Hmm, and my chocolate hunk of love, how would you show me this pride?" She asked confident for a moment.

"Well that you'd have to find out." Penelope pouted at the phone. "Stop pouting woman it's only adorable when I can see it." Penelope let out a little laugh but it quivered in the middle. "What's up? You don't sound on top of it."

'Would you be after that case?"

"If I were you I wouldn't. Go and ask Kevin to take you out, wine and dine you." Penelope let the silence fall as the realisation hit her, she was single and lonely and coming up 35. "Penelope?"

The next words and actions made everything fall apart and she didn't know what was going through her brain at that moment. "I don't just kinda love you Derek Morgan. I really love you." It was as she said that she heard him intake air that she put the phone down, slamming it to the counter top and staring at the wall in front. Her pacing commenced then and her hands wrung together in a fit of terror. "What the hell Penelope?' She scolded herself aloud. "It was a normal conver...' Before she could finish knocking came from the door.

"Stop pacing red and let me in!" Came Derek's voice, he sounded like he didn't want to be messed with, she just stood there. There was more knocking but still she stood resilient, worried at the can of worms she'd just opened. "Fine! You won't let me come in and talk so you'll have to let me talk through this bit of wood." Penelope felt amused at that as she watched the door. "Nothing's gonna stop me!" The silence answered him back. "I don't kinda love you either. More like I really love you too Penelope Garcia" Penelope's heart skipped a beat. "And if that case proved to me anything it was that I've had this beautiful, intelligent, caring, strong woman by my side for the best 9 years of my life and I'm letting her slip away. I'm not ever gonna find someone like you baby girl and I don't want to. This case proved that. The thought of losing you physically or mentally is actually killing me right now baby because a world without you just ain't worth living."

Penelope heard him gently thump the door and that pushed her to open the door to him. He just stared at her, she just stared at him. Then in one fluid movement he gathered her in his arms and held her tight before looking down and putting his finger to her chin he lifted her face up. "I've waited too long for this..." He told her and then leant down and kissed her on the lips, in the door way of her apartment, he started tenderly, making sure this was what she wanted before he let it gather momentum and then as the fireworks began and the explosion readied he moved into her apartment more and kicked the door shut.

Pulling away he looked at her breathlessly and she smiled at him. "I'm not leaving hot stuff; I couldn't bring myself to do that.' She told him and his smile built to a high wattage. "Plus, I've got a 6 foot 1 chunk of chocolate God-ness to look after me for the rest of his life."

"Better believe that'll be a promise I'll be keeping for life mamma." And with that Penelope felt an ease she hadn't felt for years descend on her, she was going to be safe and protected for the rest of her life and she knew it.

For once Penelope didn't kinder know, she fully knew what life had in store.

-=-=-=-=-THE END-=-=-=-=-

_**A/N:**_ Well I hope you liked that! I was doubting it but Emzypemzy cooled it and told me to basically shoosh... =)

Well let me know!


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